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I Do Not Want It Fading

by Ruth Paz (Sweden)

November 2021

Write the World Review

Audio: "I Do Not Want It Fading," read by Ruth Paz

Two years ago, we stepped across a road. No, I lie; it was five roads with significant distance in-between. But “one” captures the greater spirit so much better. Namely because it was the step, not necessarily in an entirely new direction, but away. Crossing the pavement crystallised my memories into just that: memories. A thing of the past.

I don’t even know if our sweet little lilac, right in the corner of the garden, still blooms in summer. At times, I wake up in my bed, the same squeaky loft bed as before, and for a split second I feel that if I walked down I would stand in my small rosy old room. And it fills me with warmth, with mellow longing. Homesick nostalgia.

At once it is dreadfully, dreadfully, far away and only yesterday. In my mind’s eye, I could turn and be seated with my siblings by our kitchen table. With morning sun beaming through the windows, illuminating tiny tangoing dust particles. If it was a weekend we would be reading manga paperbacks from the local library, to the sound of the ever-present great tit birdsong. Chewing on cereal with chocolatey Oboy-powdered milk. We used to trade places around the table because we all wanted to sit next to mum. My sister hated the noise of our chewing. We were a ‘we’; all four of us.

The air was that of an encapsulation of childhood. Even as childhood escaped us. It was in the very walls, yes, in the subtle yellow paint of the living room. Where I stamped a red thumb-sized Hello Kitty image once. It remained there, with its unfailing upbeat smile, until we left.

Now I am sitting here, typing, soaked in the mist of glue-sticky fingers and mum’s raisin bread. Humming a tune of subconscious remembrance (it’s a Star Wars soundtrack motif and sends me on a tangent; to my brother’s formidable Lego fantasia and to us nestled in front of the saga or playing the—excellent—Lego computer game). And I don’t wish to turn back time. But there’s an abyss of sadness in me because I can’t.

Ruth Paz, age 19, is a newly graduated student from the sixth-biggest city in Sweden. The inspiration for this piece was the bittersweet sensation of growing up and away from her childhood.

#Childhood       #Family        #Memory

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Tom Lofft

9/24/22, 2:13 PM

Was this inspired by flights over Iceland?


9/24/22, 10:04 AM

Amazing. I love it.


9/23/22, 7:34 AM

This is just so good!!!! "The air has been poisoned' I love how you describe things! Congrats :))


9/23/22, 7:32 AM

Love the message! The way you prompt the readers to rethink over 'is anything free' is so effective and the ending is...gorgeous.


9/23/22, 7:30 AM

Gosh, Antara...this is really beautiful! I love your use of language, and the anecdotes were so effective!! Congrats so much :))

Nidhi Kamalapurkar

9/22/22, 9:30 PM

I love it! Especially the part where you say if humans can control the world, they can control themselves too!
Keep up the brilliant writing!


9/22/22, 5:22 PM

Poignant and so beautifully written!


9/22/22, 5:19 PM

I love the flow, this is gorgeously written! Great piece!


9/22/22, 5:17 PM

Life really is all about the little things and you wrote about them in a beautiful way!


9/22/22, 5:16 PM

This is a lovely piece, Keren-Happuch! It provokes such a magical and dreamy feeling.


9/19/22, 5:47 PM

Oh my god, the part about changing the mindset given the pre-existing beliefs drilled in by those around us... Even we often hesitate to have these conversations at times amongst friends as this topic is seldom more than a subject of twss jokes. You put it into words brilliantly!

Avisha M

9/17/22, 6:46 PM

this was thought-provoking! I particularly enjoyed how you connected existentialism to the topic. it provides a different perspective.